Caleb and I were both members of Grace Baptist Church in
Carlisle (my family joined in 2008, after Caleb had been there), but several years passed
before we met each other – due to one or the other of us being away at college
or Caleb’s being deployed to Iraq…and also due to my studious avoidance of
Caleb when I first learned about him - the grandson of one of my favorite older
ladies in church whom I had adopted as my surrogate grandmother. Of course
everyone knows what grandmas like to do, and I decided that there was no way
that I was going to be set up with that grandson of hers! But while Caleb was
busy with army and school doings, I continued to enjoy a growing friendship
with Grandma– despite those irksome, unwearying references to that eldest
grandson. Caleb began to hear similar references to me from her and others and
was about as uncomfortable as I was with the hints. But little words from
others (like Daddy, who offhandedly mentioned one Sunday afternoon “I like
Caleb Bohon”) and all the stories from Grandma began to rub off on me. Caleb
did sound like a person I wouldn’t mind getting to know – he liked books,
studied Latin, was a devoted Christian and soldier, and even liked flowers.
Well, for goodness sake, I might as well be friendly to him the next time he is
home – if Grandma thought we could be friends and he lived with them when home,
there was no sense in avoiding him. I came to that conclusion while Caleb was
in Iraq.
Several months later, Caleb was
home on leave and at church on a Sunday morning in May. I was hoping I could
meet him and get this being friends thing on the proper footing. He came with
his grandma and a cousin into our Sunday School class and I noticed him
hastening to get a chair for his grandma to put her foot on – handsome is as
handsome does, and I thought he was pretty handsome right about then. And then
Grandma introduced us to each other before the service. I was determined to be
friendly for the first time – Caleb was still determined not to be set up so
didn’t say much. My first impression was that he had an amazing handshake, but
was rather a misanthrop – hardly spoke a word to me when I asked about his
library! But the next day, he sent me a friend request on Facebook and told me
a bit more about his library and that I was free to borrow (which in retrospect
is amusing, since I never took a book from his library till we were engaged and
I was given the task of thinning it out in preparation for moving).
So we were friends on Facebook and Caleb returned to Iraq.
We didn’t communicate until Caleb’s birthday in September. It happened on
Facebook – I posted a happy birthday wish to my dad (who shares a birthday with
Caleb) and Grandma commented on it that Caleb (whom she did not refer to by
name) was now 25 and was studying Latin on his birthday. Since it is customary
for everyone’s Facebook friends to post greetings to them on their birthday, I
decided to wish Caleb a happy birthday - in Latin. I was pleasantly surprised
that he responded quite warmly and graciously – in Latin – and ran to the
basement to dig out my Latin-English dictionary. Not long after that, Caleb was
on his way home from Iraq, and I found myself surprisingly excited at the
prospect. The Sunday after he arrived home, he came to church with his
grandparents. I remember seeing them
walking down the hall in church towards us and many people stopping to give
Caleb greetings. I busied myself with my errand of putting several items in the
church mail cubbyholes, wishing I could make contact with this stranger-friend,
but trying to mind my own business. As the group of people passed behind me, I
was again pleasantly surprised to see out of the corner of my eye the familiar
figure of a young man wearing a blue gray suit and a close crew cut standing
silently facing me at the end of the mailboxes. I turned toward him briefly and
said “Welcome back” before returning to my mail posting. He took a step towards
me, and with a sudden, “Salve`”, he walked on by, leaving me mildly amused and
curious what that Latin word meant. We had some brief contacts online, but my
parents sought to help me keep these brief. I was torn between wanting to just
be friends and not have to treat him as a potential suitor to be handled with
caution, and realizing that for two in our situation, this might not be
possible. One morning after church, I was nearly blown over by Caleb walking
directly up to me and greeting me, “Hi Alyssa. How are you doing?” and then, to
my dismay, walking beside me out of the church sanctuary, talking as we
walked. “Everyone is looking at us, everyone is looking at us” is all I could think inside – too many people
wanted us to get together, and how smug they must feel observing us and
smirking and nodding to themselves. Well, let them look – that’s how it has to
be in a church family. These brief contacts in church continued, facilitated at
times by Grandma, and I attended church with baited breath these days,
wondering if he would approach to talk to me or if we would be otherwise
encountering each other. After I mentioned once on Facebook missing my brother
with his Greek New Testament beside me in church, Caleb gave me a Greek New
Testament that had belonged to his dad. How I treasured that book! September
was passing into October, and when the fall semester was over, Caleb would be
returning to Virginia to resume his college studies on campus at Patrick Henry
College. I don’t know how far our friendship would have gone if it hadn’t been
for a new intervention of providence to bring us closer together. Daddy was on staff at church during that
time, and during the weekly meeting with the pastors in which they were
discussing people to visit/encourage, Daddy mentioned Caleb who was briefly
here between deployment and school – a young man who might appreciate a
discipling relationship during this window of time. Pastor David’s reply was
“Why don’t you do that, John?”
Caleb was
agreeable to the proposal. Although Daddy had an office at church, they decided
to meet at our home for their weekly book study, timing it to precede the
college student Bible study at our home so that Caleb could attend that also.
The first week they were to meet on Thursday evening at 6:45, Caleb’s
grandparents, whom he lived with, were away in Canada and he was home by
himself. I thought that it would be rather silly to invite a single young man
who was home alone to our house immediately after
supper, and not invite him to join us for our meal, so I suggested this to my
parents and Caleb was invited. During this time, I was the only child at home
with my parents, and missing my brothers very much, so I was especially glad to
have Caleb with us. The next week,
Caleb’s grandparents were home again, but the precedent had been set and
everyone liked it – he came for supper again, and then the book study in the
basement with Daddy, and then the college student Bible study in our living
room. A few times, another college student came, but most of the 8pm Bible
studies ended up being just us four – Daddy, Mother, Caleb and me. They were
wonderful studies – Tim Keller’s studies in Genesis. I was learning and
thinking about a lot, and also learning to appreciate Caleb as someone who
cared about God’s word as deeply as I did. It almost seems so clear and almost
amusing to look back on it now – how cleverly we were ‘set up’ by the hands of
providence – but much was unclear then. Caleb and I were both interested in one
another but unsure of where our undefined friendship would lead. I thought
about Caleb distractedly day in and day out. When we studied the passage in
Genesis about Abraham offering up Isaac, and discussed idols that God calls us
to lay down for him, Caleb asked, “How do you know if something has become an
idol?” and I felt cut to the heart to hear those words coming from my own
idol’s mouth, but I do remember discussing it together, quoting Augustine’s “He
loves Thee too little who loves anything together with Thee which he loves not
for Thy sake”. The next time I saw Caleb in church on Sunday, he was keeping a
distance from me that I could not understand but pained me deeply – his every
little look and word and attention had become a solace, a hope to me, and they
were removed without explanation – well, not altogether without. I wondered if
he had been idolizing our friendship as I had done, and decided that I would
follow his silent lead, even if it hurt, and wait to see what the outcome would
be. That afternoon, I came upon a
quotation in Spurgeon’s sermons that I felt I just had to share with Caleb, to
let him know that I was also willing to put God before our relationship – “Let
nothing hide from our hearts even a single beam of the glorious sun of
righteousness”. I didn’t want to be forward about it, but just to make sure he had the quote in his hands, so I wrote
it on an unassuming scrap of paper and left it on the bench where I sat for
choir practice – the same bench where he would sit for the service. Looking
back, I think it was more distracting to him than helpful at the time to get a
mysterious note, but I’m still glad that I shared it with him. The next day,
Caleb posted a note on Facebook about giving up anything for Jesus – anything – and the thought came back to
me of giving him up and I spent much of that day crying, and also praying for
Caleb. The next Wednesday in church, Caleb continued to not look at me – I remember
walking past him and seeing him look the other way – I almost sobbed aloud, but
somehow kept it all inside as I smiled and talked with the other ladies going
to pray. I saw Caleb talk to Daddy and found out from Mother that he was asking
to talk to him soon before the Thursday night study. Oh why? He is going to say he cannot come anymore…or, I don’t know…
I remember having a good time of talking and then praying with Mother sometime
during that week, and also being on pins and needles all day on Thursday,
seeking to trust God who would make “the clouds you so much dread, big with
mercy, break in blessing on your head”. The time of Caleb’s meeting with Daddy
at the office before supper came, and I sat in my room and read psalms and William
Cowper’s poems, and prayed and wrote in my journal. The phone rang – Mother
told me, “They’re coming home for supper.” I was so pleased, relieved. I
remember reading from Psalm 116 as I waited: “Preserve me, O God, for in you I
take refuge. I say to the LORD, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good apart from you
– “ and they were arriving; I read one more verse – “as for the saints in the
land, they are the excellent ones, in whom is all my delight” and I went to get
the door. Caleb came in as if everything was normal, and we all had a very nice
supper and study together as usual. I went to sleep that night, relieved that
all was well and there had been nothing to worry about. While I was still in
bed that cold November morning, there was a knock at my door and Mother and Daddy
both came in to talk to me. Now what was
this? Something about Caleb, I wonder. It was indeed – news that in Caleb’s
conversation with Daddy, he had asked permission to court me !!! and that Daddy had promised an answer in a week’s
time. (They had waited till morning to tell me so that I would sleep that night
– how kind of them!) It was what I had wanted to happen – what no other young
man had ever done on my behalf, but what I thought was the only proper way to
go about a relationship. That dear boy. As soon as Mother and Daddy left, I
fell to the floor and praised the Lord. But I did have to think and pray about
it, and not be rash. So I thought, I prayed, and knew that I wanted to say Yes!
if Daddy and Mother’s answer was the same.
I told Daddy that I did not want to see an unanswered man on Sunday and
he told Caleb our answer between Sunday School and church – I hope that helped
him to be more focused during the service! I was not at Sunday School because
(for some strange reason) I felt suddenly very ill that morning, but revived in
time to go to church. I was so excited to see Caleb and be allowed to really
look at him and smile at him with a confirmed understanding of our mutual
friendship – no more wonderings, stolen glances, hiding of feelings – but
face-to-face friends. We still hardly
knew each other, it seems looking back now, there was so much getting-to-know
to do, and so much commonality to happily discover. The Thursday nights
expanded into Thursday afternoon walks before dinner and reading Precious Remedies together. On our first
walk together, Caleb started laying out his thoughts on boundaries – I was
surprised – I had scarcely thought of holding hands with or even less kissing
this person whom I was just so happy to talk to and be friends with. But he was
wise to do so at this very point, so that we could decide our physical
boundaries before the inevitable growth of affection would make it harder to
lay them down as strictly as we did: he would not be in a building with me
alone, would not hug me except when leaving for or returning from long
absences, would not hold my hand or put his arm around me unless we came to the
point of being engaged, would not kiss me unless we came to marriage…these
decisions were very helpful guides as our relationship progressed.
After about two months of happy courtship and Christmas
holiday together, Caleb returned to college. We sent email back and forth
daily, and I got to see him about once a month if he came home after army drill
or had break. We talked about everything it seemed over emails. Summer came and
Caleb was still on campus working in Virginia, but I was able to visit him for
a week, staying with a lovely family from his church. I remember Caleb coming
to see me at their home after work in the evenings. After working on our
respective homework for summer classes, we would walk out in the meltingly hot
June evenings, quoting Bible memory to each other - John 16 and Psalm 127. In
June, we switched from regular email correspondence to phone calls and Caleb
decided that these nightly phone calls should have regular prayer and Bible
reading together – a decision that I deeply value and that we have so far
maintained. In October Caleb took me to Canada along with his cousin Elizabeth
to attend his cousin Sarah’s wedding. It
was the most beautiful weekend for the wedding and the trip….I remember
arriving at his aunt and uncle’s little home in the country and loving it all,
the young cousins inviting me to jump on the trampoline with them, the horse
farm across the lane, the glorious Indian summer with its sunsets and romps through
the tall grass and farm lanes with Caleb and the cousins, sleeping in the popup
camper in the yard with Abby, watching the sunrise with Caleb and one of the
cats on our last morning there. By the time we headed home, I was decidedly in
love with Caleb. (I didn’t know at the time that he asked my father for
permission to propose to me before we left on that trip and was told to wait.)
Engagement
In November, a bomb dropped. The end of daylight savings
time brought the dreaded advent of dark evenings, but that was not as sad as
the other darkness that came to us that first Sunday of November. Caleb was home
with us after church on Sunday evening – he had come in late from drill just in
time to join us for communion after the service, which was a comfort to me. After
church, he had to respond to a phone call from his captain and walked into the
living room, where I overheard him saying, “Is that January or March?...” and I
knew that the dreaded happening was happening – he was being deployed. He came
back to the dining room where I was sitting and said, “Do you want me tell you?-“
– “No” I said…I already knew. He could ask for a replacement but there was
little chance of anyone wanting to replace him. Our boundaries were hard to
keep about then – I wanted to hold onto him and never let go. The nights after
that were dreadful and sparse in rest. We had a few more precious days together
with him home before he had to leave…he came the next day to the church where I
was watching the little children outside and gave me a dozen roses to mark our
soon-to-be year of courtship…after he left they became the cheering adornment
of my sick room where I spent much of the next month fighting illness and
sadness at once. The Lord enabled me to see the light of his love in all that
He was doing in our lives and I was able to “trust Him wholly all for us to do”
even though I was still not well. Caleb had
asked me, in light of his coming deployment, to accompany him to drill the
first weekend of December, which was a special family weekend. I was unsure if
I would be well enough to go, but made plans to stay with dear friends in the
area and tried hard to get better! Caleb wanted me to meet good friends of his
who would be at the drill also. He would come home on Friday night and we would
leave together on Saturday morning. That Friday night, he arrived around 8 and
said he wanted to talk to my dad (his customary practice when home) but before eating.
That gave me plenty of time to prepare his dinner – they talked longer than
usual. I had it all nearly ready, including candles and cookies before they
came out of Daddy’s study. The candles being lit and Caleb and I praying before
he ate, he reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a thick folded stack of
paper –
“I have a letter for you to read”
“Right now – while you eat?” – “Yes.”
I was excited, and became more so as I read, starting to wish that we were more
alone than we were with my parents in the next room. There was only one place
this letter could be leading. He was telling me that he wanted me in his life –
I knew that, but, well, he wouldn’t say it like that unless he was going to ask to marry me, and then I turned the
page over and read, “I love you” – which he had decided to never say to me
unless he asked me to marry him, and then the question came – from the letter
and from his lips, “Will you marry me?”
“ah-I– I sure will!!” I managed to stammer out. (So much for
planning what I was going to say). And then there came out of the suit pocket a
little box with a beautiful ring inside, which he put on my finger, and then I
squealed and ran to my mother in the next room. And then I realized that Caleb
and I could hold hands (and not pull away as we had while romping with the
little cousins in Canada who were ever for holding our hands and we had both
unconsciously reached for one another’s hands when one had run from between us).
The next morning, Caleb took not his girlfriend, but his fiancée to the Tobyhanna Army Depot for the drill weekend. So much
happiness – but we still had a weight on our minds – the deployment. Should we
have a swift and sweet wedding in 6 weeks before he was deployed (I would not
be able to go with him to where he was deployed) or wait it out for the whole
year of separation until he returned? We asked his Christian friends, the
Barshingers for their advice and after thought and prayer decided it would be
best to wait until after he returned from deployment. A hurried marriage
beforehand would only make the long separation harder. We decided that within
the same Saturday. That evening at the formal Army dining out, Caleb introduced
me to the captain who he had called about his deployment. She warmly
congratulated us on our engagement, and I told her that I had been there when
he called about the deployment and that it was nice to meet her in person. “You
know”, she said, “it’s looking like it’s not going to happen” (Finding a
replacement? I thought) “They’re weakening the force”….I don’t remember all
else she said, but after she gave us further best wishes and moved on to greet another
table, we both realized that Caleb’s deployment had changed in our
understanding from nearly inevitable to nearly unlikely with a few words
dropped from high places. Soon afterwards we were talking about a summer wedding.
I was afraid to let my hopes up, but as time went on, I began to believe that
we could plan for it. God has so clearly led us together thus far, it was no
longer reasonable for us to be apart unless providentially hindered. If he is
to be deployed, so be it. We are engaged to be married – someday. We hope that
will be the 19th of May, 2012. Come quickly! Even more, come
quickly, Prince of Peace who will make wars cease to the end of the earth – sad
wars that tear beloved men from the arms of those who love them. I am so proud
of my soldier, but I will be happy when the day comes when his brave services
are not needed. When that day comes,
when He, our Savior, comes, He will
not only bring an end to war, but bring all those who love and serve Him here
into that everlasting love of which earthly marriage is but a feeble picture.
Maranatha!
